Wow...months since I have been here...so much has happened. Curt and I went for the inaugural clean up at the cabin...then Easter weekend we camped there and finished cleaning the main living area...the next week I had my second sinus surgery. I hadn't finished with my follow-up visits from that when graduation came...then the next week I ended up having a hysterectomy. So my visits to the cabin have been non-existent. I hope to camp there Labor Day weekend. Kim and Lisa came in for Gingle's wedding and they spent a week here. They got the kitchen cleaned out. I don't even know what I am going to do next, but it will probably be to tear out the dog trot and separate the two buildings. Then, when it cools off a little, we'll work upstairs.
But I ramble...which is more often than not these days. I've had three surgeries in one calendar year...my child gradated high school and will be leaving for college in less than 10 days...I've lost my ability to ever have another child...the economy's bad, and we just buried someone we loved...things have been hard this year. But I have my cabin...my happy place. Been thinking alot about our baby that died when we were just young and in love...the twentieth year...and every year my heart aches just as bad as it did the day he was born into this world. I still see the doctor cupping him in her hands and leaving the room with him. Some things you never can block out of your mind, no matter how bad it hurts. I never got to bury him. So, I'm thinking that someday, I'd like to take a box and put all his stuff in it...the little baby shoes, the bibs, the pregnancy test I took...and I'd like to take it to the cabin and dig a hole and bury it. I'd have a small stone made...something to say that he existed, if only for a few short months. I want him to have mattered...even if it was only to me. And I want to put him to rest, finally...after all these years. I can't think of a better place...it's quiet in the Holler...and generations of people with an appreciation for family and the love of children have inhabited that small piece of land for hundreds of years... his memory would be special there.
Maybe it's silly...maybe I should have gotten over it. After all, I never held him, I never named him, never knew him...I don't even know that it was a "him"...but in my heart, it doesn't matter. He was mine, he changed my life, and the hole in my heart where he was has never been filled. And now, all this time has passed, and I don't know if I ever want to fill it. The pain is a reminder, especially this time of year, that my life was forever changed. My heart was broken, and save for that piece, it has been patched pretty well. I found God. I found the love of my life. I had a son who is the very heart of my soul...and none of it would have happened had that child lived.
God always knows what's best...and someday, maybe, I'll lay my first baby to rest. But I'll wait, til He says so. So I'll keep on going...and maybe I'll be around a little more...I can write a little more...study a little more...work a little more...but who knows...just look for me to pop in when you least suspect it...that' s how my life rolls...
That's all I have for now...
